Here I am sitting in my office during my lunch break, wondering why it is taking me so long to write this post. I have started writing multiple times, have eventually deleted the post. I decided last week I wanted to write about why it was taking me so long to read through Dissonance, but here I am still stalling. As I write today, I have checked my twitter account, my back account balance and paid some bills. Obviously, I am having issues writing this particular post, so why don’t I just abandon it and pick a different topic? There are multiple reasons why, starting with a 7 day challenge from Yoga International on Self-Discovery. The courses discussed and practiced recognizing the 5 kleshas or the afflictions, poisons, or barriers that stand in the way of happiness. The course translated these kleshas into Fear, Aversion, Attachment, False Identity and Ignorance. It focused on how the 5 work together to keep you from happiness, keep you feeling stuck, etc. Here is the link for the course if you are interested. (I know you are thinking I am way off topic about my struggles to finish my read through, but I promise I’ll make a full circle.)
It was very enlightening experience for me. It got me focusing on thought patterns and associations I make. During the seven-day practice, I took note of my negative or lazy thought patterns. I realized fear and aversion play a major role in my day. Day one was to note fear or anxiousness, I was surprised how many times I was switching my bracelet from one arm to the other. The past two weeks I have been attempting to pay closer attention to what is driving my decisions and my emotions. I am more in tune with my thoughts and notice the behaviors, so I can attempt to correct them or at least not make decisions based on lazy or faulty thinking.
Last week during my lunch break as I stared at the copy of my book, I wondered why is it taking me so long to complete not only my read through, but the book itself and get it out on the market. Decided it was time to take a moment and inspect what was going on with my writing. I knew had an aversion to the project, but the ultimate question was why. After spending a better part of my hour thinking about why I wasn’t finishing my read through (you know instead of reading and marking edits), I realized I was avoiding my writing due to fear. Fear manifests in such strange ways sometimes. I was fearing that I would come across issues that I wouldn’t be able to fix and even the fear no one would enjoy reading my book. Which I realize is an irrational fear, after all I enjoyed writing the story and my enthusiasm has transferred into the book. I was also worried about what my beta reader / editor would have in the way of feedback.
After I realized what was holding me back, I pushed through and got back to reading and marking (oh the marks… there are tons of them). I finished my read through on last Thursday or Friday evening. I had a lot of suggested changes and even found a few inconsistencies in my storyline. I had one chapter that needed an entire rewrite, because I didn’t like the flow of dialogue and felt the characters were flat. Having major rewrites were one of my biggest fears going into this editing process, but I have already rewritten the offending chapter and it was much easier than I originally believed it would be. I have also received my proof copy and feedback back from my beta/editor. They weren’t nearly as bad as I feared (I’ll blog more about this topic later).
I was glad I took the time to think about what was holding me back. I have worked through my fears and have made progress. I am for once in this project on schedule with my own deadlines. I am waiting for one more review to come back, but in the mean time I am compiling feedback into a logical order and correcting minor changes.
I guess if there is one thing you should take from my ramblings today, is if you are avoiding a project, stop and investigate why. The answer might surprise you and it might be easier to move forward than you think.