I have a terrible habit of thinking the grass is always greener somewhere else, when I am not happy with the cards dealt. I am sure there is a psychological explanation, something to do with fear of commitment or failure or fear that I am destined to be miserable. The results are the same no matter what the underlying cause, I start going through the motions of living and get stuck in the cycle of think life could be better or was better when…
Back in 2006 my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I moved from our home state of Indiana to Florida. He had gotten a job offer that would have been crazy to turn down. At first it felt like an extended vacation, then it turned into terrible homesickness, which was to be expected. I had moved 1,000 miles from everything and everyone I had ever known. When we moved we had always said the move was a temporary move. One day we would move back “home”. We enjoyed our new accommodations, but never embraced Tampa Bay as our home. We were perpetually looking for away to return home to spend more time with our families and friends we had left behind.
Little by little we started adjusting to the climate and lifestyle. We started making new friends and finding new favorite places to go, but it was never home. The grass was greener back in Indiana, there were distinct seasons, people were friendlier, our friends back home were more fun to hang out with, etc. During this time of enjoying our environment, I had started embracing a life of mindfulness and meditation. I was starting to feel like life was passing me by and made a promise to myself to start living where I was instead of dreaming of the past and hoping for the future.
2010 just as I was starting to accept Tampa Bay as my home, the opportunity we had been waiting for all those years. The opportunity to move back home landed in my lap. It was a hard decision to make. Multiple times over the years we had attempted to move back, but nothing came to work out. This time I had a real job offer making more than I had ever made. We decided we would move. We said our sad goodbyes to the area we had lived for four years and our friends that we had made. Tampa was harder to leave than I imagined it would be.
Once we got back to Indiana we had a grand welcome back, from friends and family alike. After a few months I was really enjoying my job, more than any I had in the past. We were living in the moment and enjoying what we had and where we were. It was truly a dream come true, we had waited six years to get back “home”.
But bad habits are hard to break. After an extended time of living on the one income, it started to take its toll. Self-esteem started to dwindle, we started distancing ourselves from our friends, who were missed so much while we were gone, we started turning inward and forgetting our promise of making the best of where we were and living there completely.
Now after three years of being back. I remissness of the time spent in Florida and realize it might have been a mistake to move back. Right as we left Florida we were starting to grow as people, self-development was at its peak. Now we are in a state of stagnation yet once again. We have notice while we were away, we changed. Our friends aren’t as good as a match to our interests as they once were. We still love spending time with them, but the relationship is just not the same as it once was. It’s hard to find new people with common interests since I work in a small suburban police department. I can’t help but think that life was better for us in Florida. Though the thought of moving away again just seems so scary, but I miss my home.
This year I want to make an honest attempt to be happy where we are, even though I don’t know where that will be come this fall. One of my goals for 2014 was to rekindle the mediation practice I so carelessly abandoned. I know it will help me get deal with these nagging feelings that I made a terrible mistake in moving and help me start living again. This week I have to admit I have not done too well with my mediation. I attempted an 8 minute guided meditation practice only to abandon it halfway through. I just couldn’t focus. I know I can do better, I just have to let go.
I have dealt with my grass is always greener issue that majority of my adult life. I always have the thought there is more to life. In the recent years, I have discovered life is entirely what you make of it. I may miss my very unexpected home, but I know I can make a home anywhere I am if I only give it a chance.